I messed up.

I’m sitting here in my friend’s kitchen on a Sunday morning at 8.24am hungover. Yesterday was my friend’s birthday and three of us drank cheap wine at his and played Call of Duty. We went full teenager. 

I slept on the sofa and got about four hours sleep. I’m annoyed with myself because I lost two of my streaks yesterday. My intermittent fasting streak and my eight hours of programming.

For the last 33 days, I’ve led a simple life. Following the same routine of doing eight hours of programming, intermittent fasting till one, writing one blog post a day and releasing a YouTube video every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. My simple life has made it easy to do the things I’ve wanted to do. 

It will have been two months ago tomorrow since I quit my nice job in London to build my startup Streakoid. I’ve chosen to dedicate my life to Streakoid and attempt to make it a success. Which means making sacrifices.

I want it to help others be more consistent with the activities they want to do. So far, Streakoid has helped me feel good about my progress and dedication. That was until yesterday. Yesterday I messed up. 

Yesterday started bad

I woke up later than usual it was about 8am. I was up late the night before trying to release a YouTube video but I was running into technical difficulties because of my shitty laptop. The video editing took forever.

I didn’t spring out of bed. I did everything slower than usual. I got four hours of programming done before lunch.

I got back to work, around hour five of programming my friend sent me a message saying they were on the way to pick me up.  This wasn’t a surprise I knew they would be coming. He had messaged me the night before saying we would do something the next day.

The only surprise was how early they were coming.

In the past, when something out of the ordinary has come up I’ve done my work early. So I could enjoy myself guilt free. But yesterday I didn’t do that. I don’t know what was wrong with me I was being lazy. I let my family and friends telling me I needed to take a break get to my head.

I should have messaged them asking them to come at 5pm instead of 2.30pm because I had work to do. But I didn’t.

I messed up

I can’t drive at the moment and I live in the countryside getting here is an effort, so I didn’t want to demand pick-up times from people who are nice enough to drive all the way here. 

When they arrived, we played a few games of pool. We didn’t have any fixed plans.  I could have said, “I’m sorry I can’t go out I’ve still got work to do“. But I didn’t.

Instead, I agreed to their plans to go to theirs to drink and play Call of Duty. In my head I knew I couldn’t go because I had work to finish. But I didn’t want to be that asshole. I grabbed my laptop and said “I’d have to finish some work up when I got to his house.”

I’ve started to think to myself maybe I’m wrong to work so hard. Why don’t I do things a normal 24 does? I’m missing out on time with my friends. This mindset made it to easy to trick myself into messing up.

Betraying ourself

I still had two hours and forty minutes to go of my daily eight hours of programming. There was no way I could fit that in. Driving in the car I knew I was about to mess up the streak I’d worked so hard to build. 

I wrote a blog post from the living room. But it was the worst blog post I’ve made in the last month. I didn’t even manage even post to Medium or LinkedIn like I have been for the last few weeks.

I’ve betrayed myself and not lived up to my potential. This isn’t the first time I’ve made these mistakes. 

Even worse, at 9pm I should have stopped eating because one of my streaks is intermittent fasting, but I didn’t. We were all drinking in the house and I was too afraid to “say no I’m fasting so I can’t drink” after I had agreed to come drinking with them.

I don’t want to put a strain on the few friendships I’ve maintained over the years by not being fun. So not only did I lose my 33 days of eight-hours of programming, I also lost my 33 days of intermittent fasting. 

This sucks because as the creator of Streakoid I should have perfect streaks. I need to lead from the front. Be an example to others and instead I’m self sabotaging.

I’ve not just let myself down I’ve let Streakoid down.

Losing momentum

Your most likely to quit when you’ve just lost your streak.

Going back to zero sucks it feels like all of your hard work is gone.

You don’t trust yourself or your own abilities.

When you have a streak you feel good because you know you’re doing what you should be doing. 

I can no longer say how I locked myself away to program for eight hours every day, and how I committed to making Streakoid a success.

But the aim isn’t to live a fairytale. It’s important I don’t get caught up in the story. I need to focus on providing value to users not making my own story sound cool.

The pressure to get another job is building; each day Streakoid isn’t making money is another day I’m messing up. My bank account keeps going down.

I need to be on top form to make Streakoid a success and yesterday I wasn’t. 

I’ve been feeling the pressure from my friends and family to be more normal. To go out with my friends and take a day off. But giving into that pressure has made me miserable. I’ve spent the whole day stressed out and everything feels chaotic.

But lesson relearned. We know what we need to do. We just need to do it. Over the last year my worst days are the ones I’ve betrayed myself. 

No more alcohol

I don’t want to drink anymore. I’m done drinking. I’ve drunk two or three times in the last three months, and I don’t enjoy it. I’m afraid of what my friends will say. But I know I can’t give my best effort to Streakoid if I’m allowing myself nights out. 

I’ve still got two months to my self imposed D day. For these next two months, I will keep up with my simple monk life. Regardless of what my friends and family are saying.

I have been wrong to ignore my friends, but this is a crucial time in my life. I have to make Streakoid work. I have to be all in. If that means I’m seen as weird so be it.

So yes, I should meet up with my friends, but it needs to be under deadlines. I can’t stay up all night messing up with my sleep routine and I have to make sure I sleep in my house so I can wake up the next day and get to work. 

I’ll take this as an opportunity to show people it’s possible to recover from a lost streaks. Learn from my mistakes.

Today I’m angry. Tomorrow, I’ll recompose myself and get back to building Streakoid.